Both men and women have armpit hair, but when men play sports they can just show it without a second thought. For women, though, starting from around my middle and high school years, everyone was already talking about which hair removal cream worked best, or whether to shave in the summer, or what else to do. Back then there were also all kinds of urban legends, like if you shaved, the skin under your arms would turn dark. I feel like women spend so much of their lives learning this completely useless knowledge—it really takes up time and mental energy. The key thing is, if you don’t do it, you end up feeling a sense of shame.

By early 2019, it had gotten worse and worse. There was a period when, at night, I would order seven or eight takeouts—get a milk tea, finish it, feel so guilty, and throw up; order McDonald’s because I craved a Filet-O-Fish, eat it, then think, “Oh no, I’m so fat,” and throw up; later I’d get hungry again, have a bowl of porridge… I was so greedy, unable to resist food. The mental torment was unbearable—I wanted to eat everything I saw, couldn’t stop myself from eating a lot, then regretted it and forced myself to throw up. Once, when my mom came to visit me in Shanghai, we ordered a big plate of food at a restaurant, and I slipped away to the bathroom to secretly throw up.

After I shaved my head, I don’t know what exactly changed, but I felt as if I had suddenly been placed into a male position. I’m not sure whether it was because other people’s perception of me had shifted, or because my own perception of myself had changed, but it felt like I had instantly placed myself into another identity. During that time when I was completely bald, I might not have had any gender at all in my own mind.